August 01, 2004
Lost in Translation
Yesterday was a very hot day in NYC. It was so humid I was breathing in almost liquified air. In fact, it was so hot it brought back to mind my 2 month stint as a relief worker in the Amazon jungle. There are still 2 things that stand out vividly about that time, the people I met and the unbearable heat and humidity of that place.
The people are like those you would find anywhere where there's starvation - grateful for any help given. Their gratitude, humility, and genuine friendship are with me still today. I don't need to see video or pictures of that time because each face, each smile and every tear is indelibly recorded in my mind as if it just happened; instead of the 12 years that it's been. There are so many wonderful stories I could share with you from that time, but one in particular funny one stands out. It happened just a few hours after my arrival while I was awaiting to meet the men I would act as interpreter for. I would be sharing these duties with 2 others interpreters (also men) who were coming from Europe.
I was a bit nervous as my French and Portuguese were very rusty and my knowledge of Italian was limited. But this is where I was needed most, not in vaccination tents with children or in a kitchen cooking over a hot stove. This is where my God given skills were needed.
My flight arrived at the airport purposefully before everyone elses. That way I would be able to ensure the team of Dr’s. and scientists I was to work with would have an easy walk through customs.
Four hours later, after everyone had arrived, I was the only woman amongst 15 staff workers, all men. I was trying to be more of an observer than a participant, trying to figure out culture and dynamics so as to gain an understanding of those I would interpret for. However, that didn’t last long as a number of the guys, being the usual testosterone loaded European/South American males they were, were trying to draw me out by asking questions about my personal life. Soon the double entendre and flirting began on their part. You see, in that culture, an unescorted woman, scratch than, an unescorted American woman meant to them that she was both a free spirit and uninhibited. What they didn’t realize was that I had been sent there by a Christian organization.
As the conversation continued I was asked what kind of food I preferred, and how I liked it prepared. Being that vegetarianism was an unfamiliar concept to them, I had to explain in a way they would understand. At one point I responded to a question by saying that "I don't like preservatives. I'm not able to use them because I'm allergic, so I do everything naturally and without preservatives".
At this their eyes sparkled and their subdued smiles broke into wide eager grins. As they repeatedly began exchanging glances with each other (a few started smacking their lips as if staring at prime ribs - Me). By the look on their faces I knew I had said something terribly wrong. I just stood there with a stupid grin on my face, trying to figure out what it was that I had just said. Finally, one of the interpreters whispered in my ear the literal translation:
"I don't like condoms. I'm not able to use them because I'm allergic, so I have to do everything naturally and without condoms".
Needless to say I was mortified. Surrounded by men I wanted the earth to swallow me whole. I turned beet red before I even had a chance to cover my face with my hands. Since it was nighttime and we were standing outdoors in very dim light no one noticed.
However, some of the men were so entertained by what had just happened they said nothing waiting to see what I would say next. I still shudder from the memory as I could almost hear their thoughts. Turning to my fellow interpreter I asked that he please explain to them what I really meant to say, to which all responded with laughter. Afterwards I promptly asked what was the correct word used for food preservative. It turns out I had used an incorrect vowel the "o" instead of an "a". Having been made aware of this, I committed the word to memory so I wouldn't have the same experience at restaurants.
Since Michele was a difficult name for South Americans to pronounce in spanish, thereafter I was referred to as "La Natural" when I wasn't present. I still shudder at the memory of that embarassing moment.
[originally posted on blogspot on 8/1/04]
August 24, 2004
Is humor cultural?
Perhaps a better way to pose this question is: Does humor have to be culturally relevant to be funny?
When I lived in HK and the Philippines, one thing that struck me was that when I made an innocent joke I often laughed alone. Similarly, when they laughed, it was usually a self-conscious laugh over something silly they had done. I never really found those situations funny, but I smiled nonetheless.
That never stopped me from using my humorous wit for my personal amusement whenever I could. Actually I still do this. So, wishing to conduct yet another social experiment, I submit for your consideration 2 excerpts from email items I received this morning. Please let me know if you find either of them funny.
My first email excerpt is a response I sent to a fellow blogger overseas. My response made me laugh for almost 3 minutes:
[Quoting his email:] BTW, my name is not Juan : )
[My response:] Could you possibly forgive such an error?
Actually FA, there are 3 ways I could go with this [apology].
- I could be honest and tell you I was multitasking, and responding to 3 emails simultaneously (as I waited for my pages to load).
- I could blame it on my sex, women, you know how we are... you are all Johns/Juans to us [lol].
- Or, I could tell you that it was my way of trying to guess your name in a series of emails:
Me: Juan
FA: No
Me: Pedro
FA: No
Me: Francisco
FA: No
Me: Antonio
FA: No
FA's response: No problem.
My email still makes me laugh.
The 2nd email is a work related one. It was a transcript of a global teleconference that I participated in early this morning. There were 43 particpants from around the world. At the end of the call the conversation turned to Olympian feats and medal counts.
Brit guy: Speaking of Olympian feats, I think Team Brazil has managed single handedly to make that sport a featured prime time event for every future Olympics. [please see why]
Brit girl: That’s rather cheeky of you!
Me: laughing quietly in the background at the play on words and visuals
[I was the only American and the only woman of the 5 sitting in the teleconference from NY that laughed. The guys from our offices in Italy and Spain laughed heartily as did the Brit guy. The remaining 37 participants remained silent]
November 04, 2004
Election Night Ratherisms
Southerners have expressions and a lingo all their own. CBS News Anchor, Dan Rather, uses them more often than most on air personalities. Here's a few quotes from the broadcast on Election Night 2004:
"Do you hear that knocking...President Bush's re-election is at the door."
"This race is hotter than the Devil's anvil."
"His lead is as thin as turnip soup."
"This race is humming along like Ray Charles."
"The presidential race is swinging like Count Basie."
"Ohio becomes like a sauna for the two candidates. All they can do is wait and sweat."
"One's reminded of that old saying, 'Don't taunt the alligator until after you've crossed the creek.'"
"Bush is sweeping through the South like a big wheel through a cotton field."
"What Kerry needs at this point is the equivalent of Tom Brady coming off the bench to rescue him. But it's still too close to call."
"No question now that Kerry's rapidly reaching the point where he's got his back to the wall, his shirttails on fire, and the bill collector's at the door."
"John Kerry needs something on the order of a 55 or 60-yard field goal to win this."
(To Joe Lockhart) "I know that you'd rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than consider the possibility that John Kerry would lose Ohio."
(To Joe Lockhart) "What about Michigan? It's been out there for a long time. Is that making your fingernails sweat?"
"This presidential race has been crackling like a hickory fire for at least the last hour and a half."
"Let's see where it goes from here. Round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows."
"We keep talking about Ohio... if you've been tuning in and out, or you put the baby to bed, or you went to pop the cap on an adult, or otherwise, beverage..."
"We used to say if a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun."
"No one is saying that George Bush is not going to win the election, and if you had to bet the double-wide, you'd have to bet that he'd win."
"In southern states they beat him like a rented mule."
"If you try to read the tea leaves before the cup is done, you can get yourself burned."
"We need Billy Crystal to 'Analyze This'."
"You know that old song, 'it's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely' for President Bush in most areas of the country."
"We had a slight hitch in our giddy up, but we corrected that."
"In some ways, George Bush's lead is as thin as November ice."
"Put on a pot of coffee, this race isn't going to be over for a while."
"You look at the map and say it's all a big Bush victory. But this is one time when your Mother is right, looks can be deceiving."
"John Kerry's moon has just moved behind a cloud, as far as Florida is concerned."
On Kerry's chances: "To use a metaphor, he's gotta draw an inside straight. But hey, sometimes you get lucky and hit that straight."
"Is it like a swan, with every feather above the water settled, but under the water paddling like crazy?"
"What you have here is the football equivalent of a fourth quarter rally by Kerry."
The election is "closer than Lassie and Timmy"
"Keep in mind they are teetotally meetmortally convinced they have Ohio won."
"Vice President Dick Cheney would not have flown all the way out there (Hawaii) overnight and put that lei around his neck and sort of hula-danced, if you will, unless he thought there was a chance of carrying that out there."
"President Bush smiling there with his family. He's laid down aces so far."
"You can almost hear the GOP (deep breathing sound). We're getting within maybe smelling distance."
"We don't know what to do. We don't know whether to wind a watch or bark at the moon."
On how the results are affecting strategists: "It's one reason so many of them drink a lot."
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), on being congratulated on victory by Rather: "Thanks Dan, I always believe you." Rather: "Now, ladies and gentleman, if you believe that, you'll believe rocks can grow."
And my personal favorite of the night:
"This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex."
Want more? Then go to the extended entry for past election Ratherisms.
Quotes from Dan Rather on Election Night 2002
"Could be game set and match Republicans."
"They're about first and goal from 4 yards out."
"Tight as the pages in a book."
"President Bush is hoping to ace his first midterm."
"Crackling like a hickory fire."
"Two hands worth of white knuckle still hanging ten."
"Reminds you of that old Will Rogers line, it takes a lot of money just to get beaten."
"It's beginning to get exciting as the Democrats' fingernails are starting to sweat"
Quotes from Dan Rather on Election Night 2000
"This race is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O."
"Turn the lights down, the party just got wilder."
"It's cardiac-arrest time in this presidential campaign."
"He swept through the South like a tornado through a trailer park."
"Don't bet the trailer money yet."
"It's too early to say he has the whip hand."
"Now Florida, that race, the heat from it is hot enough to peel house paint."
"It's a ding dong battle back and forth."
"If he doesn't carry Florida Slim will have left town."
"If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun."
"They both have champagne on ice, but after the night is over, they might need a pick axe to open them."
"This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach."
"It's about as complicated as a wiring diagram to some dynamo."
"Only votes talk — everything else walks."
"This will show you how tight it is — it's spandex tight."
"We're going to go to some of those longnecks from a long time ago."
"He's going to find that people will hang on him like a coat rack."
"This election swings like one of those pendulum things."
"This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford."
"What we know is that there will be no decision until some of those races are decided."
"Al Gore has his back to the wall, shirt tails on fire with this race in Florida."
"You talk about a ding-dong, knock-down, get-up race."
"When it comes to a race like this, I'm a long distance runner and an all-day hunter."
"It's the American way: if you don't vote, you don't get to whine."
"Smelling salts for all Democrats please."
"Maybe you can bring some perspective on this, we're plum out."
"When the going gets weird, anchor men punt."
"Tipper is probably telling her husband to hook a U, go back to the house to get a recount."
"It doesn't matter if you're a Democrat, Republican or a mug wamp, elected officials play it straight."
"Florida is the whole deal, the real deal, a big deal."
"The presidential race still hotter than a Laredo parking lot."
"These returns are running like a squirrel in a cage."
"It was as hot and squalid as a New York elevator in August."
"Bush has run through Dixie like a big wheel through a cotton field."
"This will have the people in Austin standing up like they got stuck with hat pins."
"...in Austin, between the 10 gallon hats and the Willie Nelson head bands."
"The big burrito out there in California"
"They'll be doing back flips in Nashville."
"It would be Shakespearean for Al Gore to lose because of his home state."
"I think you would likelier see a hippopotamus run through this room than see George Bush appoint Ralph Nader to the Cabinet."
"None of this television mumbo jumbo, let's get in there and count the votes."
"Frankly we don't know whether to wind the watch or to bark at the moon."
"We've lived by the crystal ball, we're eating so much broken glass. We're in critical condition."
November 06, 2004
HOW INTERESTING AM I?
According to Rum and Monkey - Personality Test Creators: "I'm the Most Interesting Person in the World!" Although you wouldn't know it by all the simple, dull things I have to do this weekend. Today I went to the Supermarket, dry cleaners, post office, drug store, card store, and picked up a new computer keyboard. This entry was me testing it out to see if it's truly a soft-touch keyboard. It's not. Sigh!
About the only interesting thing that happened today was that I finished all my Christmas shopping. That's right all the presents for all my family members and my best friend have been purchased. All that's left for me to do to get ready for Christmas is to buy the tree. That what I'll be doing on December 18th. Or maybe I'll just order it on the internet. I haven't decided yet.
Anyway, if you're in doubt as to how fabulously interesting you are take the "Just How Interesting Are You?" quiz today!
March 24, 2005
Best Medicine? Humor
Just like with any drug, once you start feeling the pain again you want another hit of pain meds to feel better again, so in search of comic relief I decided to do my usual digital walk about. I know who to visit on the web to get my funny on, and as usual they did not fail me. One who I happen to always visit is Eric of Straight White Guy I read this post and lost it. I have not been able to stop laughing the rest of the day. Don’t bother reading the comments, just read the post and the linking article.
Who knows, lovemaking might not ever be the same for you too. I know I still have a smile on my face and have been giggling all day just from the visual in my head.
Anyway, in an effort to continue my therapy while I’m not blogging due to tendonitis, I’ll be leaving this post at the top and the comment space open, in the hopes that you may want to leave a clean joke or two for me and other visitors to enjoy. Thanks for visiting!
Well, I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news. The Bad news first, This morning I was told that in addition to carpel tunnel I’ve now developed tendonitis in my elbow. This now means cortisone shots and staying off the computer completely for a couple of weeks. Damn! Damn! Damn! You might as well cut off my arm if I can’t type. That’s like being told not to speak.
Just as I was heading to the computer I got a call from an old ex-boyfriend of mine (he was my 2nd love) who now lives in LA. He called me, as he usually does about once every six months, to try out his new comedy routine and get feedback from me before he takes it on the road. He had me laughing so hard I was gasping for air. Afterwards when we were catching up I told him about my news and he proceeded to re-tell some of my favorite jokes for another 30 minutes. I was hysterical with laughter. (I would tell some of his jokes but that would ruin his HBO special).
A short while after he hung up he had a few of his comedian friends, some well known some known only to me, calling me trying out jokes on me. I was doubled over with laughter and gasping for air.
May 13, 2005
Friday Funnies
Jim of Snooze Button Dreams, has A New Argument For Creationists that is both compelling and funny. Personally, I just think he was too long in the shower.
May 17, 2005
Uncle Walter comes clean
Here's an excerpt of a letter I found interesting enough to reprint from Huffington's Toast, that was sent from N.R.Walter Cronkite. It seems Ariana Huffington has turned to him in the wake of reviews that trammel her site from receiving the recognition she deserves.
My darling blog-”niece” Arianna,
You’ve asked your old “Uncle Walter” how to solve the problem of the network news...
And speaking [of equating defeatism with patriotism], did it ever strike you as odd how remarkably uncurious the media is to get to the bottom of the Bush Air National Guard Memo story? Ask yourself this: “Who stands to gain?”
Yes, that’s right, Arianna–that’s exactly what I’m saying; I AM Lucy Ramirez! (I’m only telling you this here because no one reads these new-fangled ‘blog’-thingies.)
I typed out those memos on my 1972 Rosemary Woods Model Selectric…and Dan [Rather] and Mary sucked them up like a crack ho on a 5-dollar rock. And now Little Danny has been shipped off to that televised retirement home they called “60 Minutes”…and my old job has opened back up!
So, dear, to answer your question, what’s the solution to the problem of the National Media?
I am. Me. Walter F. Farkin’ Cronkite, THE GREATEST JOURNALIST WHO EVER LIVED!!! THAT’S RIGHT PEOPLE I’M BACK, SO BITCHES, GET OUT OF MY WAY!!! I HELPED US LOSE ONE WAR AND I CAN DO IT AGAIN!!!!! AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME!!!!!!!! NOBODY CAN STOP ME!!!!!!!!!! NOBODY, DO YOU HEAR ME?????? …MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And that’s the way it is.
May 23, 2005
Secrets Revealed!
Everyone has secrets. Some people can deal with theirs, waiting patiently for the right person or the right time to share them with. Others can't bare to even acknowledge their secrets. For those in the last group, these secrets can slowly eat at them, eventually poisoning their soul.
PostSecret aims to help all who feel they need a safe place to divulge their secret without being judged, discovered, or while they figure out how to reconcile their secret within their lives.
As for me, I have only 2 secrets, and their both big. I've made peace with one, and as for the other, well.... click the extended entry to see.
So, now that I've told you mine, care to share your secret?
July 28, 2005
July 30, 2005
10 Thougts to Ponder
[via my inbox]
1. Life is sexually transmitted.
2. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
3. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!
4. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
5. Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
8. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, but a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
9. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
10. AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
August 02, 2005
What's up with this pic?
Guest: You see, Miles, if you gently apply pressure to the shaft while lightly grazing its base, the rocket will launch rather effectively.
Miles: But what about the danger of another explosion?
Guest: Oh, I am sure of it.
Earlier: Is That a Rocket in Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
[via Gawker]
August 11, 2005
This JUST IN
Prime Minister Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide ” .There are only two higher levels in France -they are ” Surrender ” and “Collaborate ” .
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory - effectively crippling their military capability.
[via Xset]
August 12, 2005
August 16, 2005
How many men...
Treo Blogging: I’m on Jury Duty this week, so Colin will be taking over and posting until I’m released from my wonderful civic duty or die from boredom. While sitting in one of the Jury Rooms I overhead this joke between a group of Ladies, which I thought worthy of posting.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to actually do it, and three more to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
September 15, 2005
Office Meltdown
This is my reaction to the unprofessional behavior others are having today. So as others blame me for stuff I didn't do but tried to avert, I have no other choice but to send in Rambo Kitty.
October 04, 2005
Density Correlation Function
There have been a few times when I’ve been so sleep deprived that invariably the level of sleep deprivation causes a density in my brain which renders me unable to think properly, thereby creating really bad or sticky situations.
Well, there I was in the ER with my son as they were checking him out when they noticed that his throat was a bit red and inflamed. So they decided to do a throat culture.
Normally, when we go to my son’s pediatrician, his doctor demonstrates what it entails by swabbing my throat first. When my son sees that I’m okay, he submits to the procedure without a problem. So my son negotiates with the Resident sent in to do the culture to swab me first. Once he agrees he approaches me with the swab.
Being a very compliant patient I open my mouth wide and wait for him to swipe it against my throat. After he’s done he says (mostly to himself), “Wow, that’s amazing.” My son, thinking something’s wrong, quickly asks “What’s amazing?”
Struggling to find words he stammers, “Oh… uh… eh… your mom… [he then smiles] she’s a great patient. Now open wide just like mommy.”
He leaves us and we go back to coloring in the coloring book. From where I sat I could see him consulting with some of his colleagues and pointing in our direction. I’m not overly concerned as we’re both finally in good health, except for the metal ball temporarily lodged in my son’s stomach.
The Resident returns 5 minutes later with 2 of his colleagues and explains that given what had gone on at my office (an outbreak of Infectious Mono between the legal interns and analysts) they decided to test me as well just to be on the safe side.
As the Resident raised his hand to my mouth I asked why 2 swabs. He explained they needed to do 2 separate tests, one on each tonsil. So I opened my mouth wide to let him swab away. The 2 guys behind him bent down to look over each of his shoulders. One was making himself useful by holding the penlight to illuminate my throat.
After swabbing both tonsils, the guy without the flashlight, says out loud, “We should also swab the back of her throat…” They all looked at each other silently for a couple of seconds, I guess to think over this proposal. The lead Resident then asks, “Is that okay?”
I nodded yes, and opened my mouth once again. They swabbed the back of my throat a few extra times and then collected all the covered specimens and left without saying a word. Once outside the room I overheard one say “Wow, that’s amazing, I’ve never seen that, she had no gag reflex!”
When Colin (my co-blogger) called today to check up on me and my son I was truly touched. He asked for details of how things had gone. Having a boatload of doctors in his family, meant that he had some idea if anything else needed to be done. He listened carefully and only interrupted to ask questions when clarification was needed. That was until I got to the Resident’s comment. At that moment he busted out laughing with such a hearty laughter that I was left confused as to what was so funny. He must have laughed for a good five minutes before he was able to calm himself down and I could ask him what had been so funny.
He paused briefly to consider my question before asking, “Michele…. you really don’t know what’s so funny?
I hesitated in answering because I was just too tired to think clearly. I hate it when I’m the last person to get a joke, and today, my grey matter was total concrete. So I tried to think hard what about “gag reflex” could possibly make Colin laugh so hard, especially knowing his proclivity for sexual humor… and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Hearing my long loud gasp he begins to laugh once again, and stops just long enough to say “that’s priceless” and for me to say an indignant “Later” and hang up. I was so embarrassed I wanted the earth to swallow me whole. Now that a few hours have passed I do see the humor in it.
Now it’s off to bed with me to ensure I get enough sleep so my non-gag reflexes don’t cause me any more embarrassing moments.
October 10, 2005
Email is my salvation
On days like today, emails are my only salvation. Below is one I got from a from a friend. A sad but funny tale about getting older. Enjoy
----------------------------------------------
LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.
AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.
SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.
I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME." I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"
WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.
ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?" I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.
SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
AND I JUST SAT THERE...
ON THE COUCH...
NAKED.
October 31, 2005
Happy Halloween
I hope all of you enjoy your day. I've been home all weekend with my little pumpkin (that's one of my pet names for him) who has flu symptoms as a result of getting his annual flu shot. Because of his fever and runny nose he's staying home with me today.
So in the spirit of the season I've made some regular sour dough bread, some pumpkin sweet bread, a pumpkin pie, some delicious twice baked apples and later today I'll be making my favorite - caramel apples.
Hope it's a fun day for all of you!
November 01, 2005
Love & Affection
In my lifetime, there have been only 4 men I've been absolutely, totally and madly in love with. I've carried a torch for these men from a distance for many years. You couldn't call them crushes because a crush disappears over time and my love for them is eternal, though it is contingent on our maintaining our shared philosophy and values. Having a wonderful sense of humor is essential for them to maintain their status on my list and my continued loyalty and affection.
John Cleese has been one on that very short list of 4. I fell in love with him and Eric Idle (of Monty Python) after spending a few brief hours in their presence during one of their American Tours. You can say he and Eric are my British Elvii or Elivises! To them I am more than a fan. To them I am... that American woman they have a restraining order against, which forces me to stay on this side of the Atlantic. Sigh! As a result, I am unable to communicate with them directly. Communication is only achieved through designated 3rd parties (our lawyers). It's the only way I can be assured they will get my letters and will read them and not throw them out like all the others before.
Well, to my great surprise, excitement and delight John answered my last letter with an email of his own. Below is the coded message that I received from him, which I have not yet been able to decipher. Once I do break the code, I will be able to confirm his undying love for me too. Sigh!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves properly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it all along. The letter 'U' will be henceforth reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'humour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary) in order to communicate effectively with your fellow kingsmen.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication as "duh" and "whatever". There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know this bit of information upon our guards arrival to their Gates. The Microsoft spellchecker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. Instead, you will observe Boxing day.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A license will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road upon reading this notice. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour and stoicism (look up the word stoicism).
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it!
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are heretofore properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut slces of potato, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must finally tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation and remember, the Queen's assesion will take place shortly, curtsying and bowing will, however, commence immediately!
December 05, 2005
December 08, 2005
You Know You're From New York City When...
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can?t find Wisconsin on a map.
Hookers, pimps, and the homeless are invisible to you.
The subway makes sense.
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
You consider Westchester "upstate".
You think Central Park is "nature."
You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."
You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.
You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.
Your closet is filled with black clothes.
You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s, and when you did, it terrified you.
You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
You take fashion seriously.
Being truly alone makes you nervous.
You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
$50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
You don't notice sirens anymore.
You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian or Spanish, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.
You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills.
You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
Your front door has three locks.
Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
You run, rather than stop, when you see a flashing "Do Not Walk" sign at the intersection.
You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.
You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent.
There is no North and South. It's uptown or downtown.
When you're away from home, you miss "real" pizza and "real" bagels.
You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas.
You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.
Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect.
You know what a bodega is.
You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.
Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.....
You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas
Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from NYC.
June 06, 2006
Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia
Do you have Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia? Just in case you don't know, that is the fear of the number 6 6 6.
Now relax, let me hypnotize you to end that silly fear. Relax and get comfy in front of the screen. If you need to loosen your clothing. Take a deeeep breath and hold it for at least ten seconds exhaling slowly as you reach ten. Take an even deeeeeeeeper breath and repeat the same pattern. As you exhale on your third breath close your eyes. Say to yourself, there's nothing to be afraid of. Imagine yourself floating down into a nice warm room and sitting in a comfy chair. That's right, just let yourself relax with me. Smile and repeat again to yourself, there's nothing to be afraid of. Take another 2 deeeeeep breaths. Now say to yourself that you'll let go of your Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia on the count of three and look forward to the rapture and beauty of another day.
Ready? 1, 2, 3, now you're wide awake and feeling great!
See? It's easy, you don't have to sell your soul to feel better, just get the surrender yourself and your credit card to me and I'll help you get through it! You'll see, or your money back, I guarantee!
July 07, 2006
A Humorous Solution For Every Problem
I’ve had to travel by plane for meetings these past 2 days. Now that I’m a single mom I don’t like flying as much for the obvious reasons. I have a colleague who tries to make me feel better about these trips by using humor. Below is the email I received prior to my departure early this morning.
-----------------------------------------------------
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident in the air.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P : Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
July 28, 2006
What do you give a woman
What do you give a woman who has everything? A woman who is funny, thoughtful & sweet, sexy, an incredible cook (so I've been told), a great conversationalist (I've had the priviledge of talking with her), who can make the darndest frown turn upside down?
I've spent the last 24 hrs asking myself that question every spare moment I've had. I saw that AWTM gave her Beckham, the most brilliant soccer player on the planet. Then I ran into Oddybobo and saw that she gave him a NYC Firefighter and Leslie's Omnibus gave her some Beefcake. So just as I was about to give up the light bulb went on. That's it... that's it... NY Firefighters, Beefcake, I can give her an incredible cheesecake. I'll give her a very unique cheesecake photo she'll not soon forget, and might even pin up. I'm giving her something she can only find in NY, and to go along with that lucsious photo a very tall, very cool drink.
So here it is darlin', your presents: >>>>>>>
First, the Cheesecake... Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Cheesecake. I'll keep it cool for you over here for whenever you decide to stop by.
And here's the very original, tall, cool, NY drink - a recipe for a NY Egg Cream.
The New York Egg Cream is a cool way to keep off the heat on a hot summer day without too many calories. But don't be mislead by this drink's name, because it neither contains eggs nor cream. Yep, only in NY!
No one has ever been successful, in bottling this drink and so it remains a soda fountain drink till this day. Its fresh taste and characteristic "head" requires mixing of the ingredients a few minutes just before drinking. It has been described as a "poor man's ice cream soda," because it has a similar overall flavor, but is traditionally sold for only a slight premium over an ordinary fountain soda.
This drink got its start in New York, and it's making a comeback all over again!
Here's Everything You'll Need:
Large Glass, or Large Size Coca-Cola Glass
Fox's U-Bet Chocolate Flavored Syrup (or something like Hershey's)
Long Handled Spoon
Chilled Whole Milk
Bottled Seltzer Water (that is if you can't get a seltzer pressurized cylinder)
A Long Straw
Steps:
Get a tall, chilled, straight-sided, or Coca-Cola 8oz. glass.
Spoon 1 inch of Chocolate flavored syrup into the glass.
Add 1 inch of whole milk over the syrup.
Pour in cold seltzer making a nice foamy head to within 1 inch from the top of the glass. Use the spoon when pouring to prevent direct pouring into the syrup and milk. The foam will turn an egg-white color (hence the name).
Stir vigorously with a long spoon to mix the chocolate and milk into the seltzer foam.
Enjoy the true experience by sipping it slowly with a long straw. Use the straw to stir in between sips. Allow yourself to make loud sipping noises with the straw as you clean up the foam around the edge of the glass
Tips:
Skim or 1% milk won't foam as well, but can be used in a pinch. Non-homogenized milk is not recommended.
Bottled seltzer water will not pour out of the bottle with enough velocity to foam the milk, so stir vigorously to get the real thick foam.
No other chocolate syrup will give you the same taste or foam as Fox's U-Bet Chocolate Flavor Syrup for the New York Egg Cream.
Warning:
Do not let Egg Cream sit for a long period of time - 5 minutes or more will make the drink go flat.
August 18, 2006
Friday Funnies
After a busy and grueling week I’m looking forward to some weekend fun starting today. Summer to me means sun, sand, surf, and turf in the form of soccer and baseball fields. I got my World Cup soccer fix in July and tonight I’m getting my baseball monkey off my back by seeing my AMAZIN’ Mets live (as opposed to sitting on the couch)! In case you didn’t know, the Mets have the best record in the NL and leads Philadelphia by 13 games in the East. WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!
Mets, how much do I love thee? In college I got my first C for thee! During class my professor caught me on several occasions listening to the game via my walkman's earpiece. Sigh!
Anyway, I wanted to leave you all with some laughter and a smile so I’m going to point you a bit north for a story that has a Spew Alert Rating of 4. Hey, can’t say I didn’t warn ya!
May you all have an incredibly wonderful and life affirming weekend!
September 14, 2006
Political Levity & Truth
Because I like to share the laughter I'm sharing this true item with you. This little gem came to my inbox this morning in one of my State Dept. briefings. I think its an unbelievably funny story you'll love.
US President George Bush will host White House talks with Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev when he visits the US next month. On the agenda is British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen.
It seems that Cohen, 35, creator of Ali G, has infuriated the Kazakhstan government with his portrayal of Borat, a bumbling Kazakh TV presenter. Cohen scheduled movie release of Borat’s adventures in November has caused a major diplomatic incident.
President Nazarbayev has confirmed his government will buy "educational" TV spots and print advertisements about the "real Kazakhstan" in a bid to save his country’s reputation before the film is released in the US in November. President Nazarbayev will visit the White House and the Bush family compound in Maine when he flies in for talks that will include the fictional character Borat.
To understand what the hoopla is all about (and to get a few chuckles in the process) please view the trailers for the movie (see worksafe trailer 1 below and trailer 2).
Let me know what you think about the trailers. Should Bush waste his time on this or not?
Yes, I'm feeling better thanks to the support I've received and the humorous items I get in the mail. Enjoy!
October 03, 2006
Lost in Translation 2
Over 2 years ago I told a funny story about using a phrase whose meaning was shifted in translation because of the country that I was working in at the time. Well, it seems that I've done it again. Only this time with a work colleague. I really meant to be helpful and spare him a bit of embarrassment as we stood there in the pantry. Well, it seems that in giving him a private message in French, a language virtually no one else on our floor spoke, I said something that in colloquial French meant something slightly different. So while I tried to tell him that his zipper was undone, I said instead 'I'd like to undo your zipper'. Sigh!
Sometimes I think I should just stick to English, I’d definitely do better.
October 25, 2006
BIG REMINDER TO ME
When participating in a global teleconference from your desk, don't ever visit humorous sites, especially VW's Humor for Dreaded Wednesday. If you absolutely must visit, please remember to MUTE your phone! Otherwise the conference host just might ask you to share the humor with the group.
UPDATE: Another important reminder: When sitting on teleconferences back to back make sure that you GO TO THE BATHROOM before signing on to your next meeting, otherwise it will be another hour before you can go. Your co-workers will definitely not appreciate seeing a puddle beneath your seat.
October 26, 2006
Jokes for Sgt. Hook
Because I can never refuse a request from a handsome military man, who works tirelessly defending our country and protecting it's citizens, I'm publishing a couple of jokes that got me in trouble yesterday.
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech.
She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......
There's more jokes in the extended entry. Afterwards go congratulate the good Sgt. on his upcoming achievement of his half millionth visitor.
What would you like to hear in your casket
3 friends die in a car accident and they go to orientation in heaven. They're all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says," I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a difference in children's lives."
The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
---------------------
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
This idea came to me one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an Idiot!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'Idiot' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an Idiot!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'Idiot' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an Idiot!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first Idiot, ( I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW Idiot, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an Idiot." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two Idiots to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be So, I came up with an idea.
I called Idiot #1.
"Hello."
"You're an Idiot!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Idiot, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Idiot."
Then I called Idiot #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, Idiot," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your @$$," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, Idiot, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 4 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two Idiots beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works.
October 31, 2006
Ghoulish pranks? Maybe later...
Update: I thought I felt better. It was my body playing a trick on me! For some good clean halloween jokes (for all ages) please visit Daz'd & Confused.
I'm still home sick with the Flu... oh joy!
I hope all of you enjoy scaring the stuffin out of each other. I've been home all weekend with my little pumpkin (that's one of my pet names for him) who had the flu and is now better.
Hope it's a fun day!
December 18, 2006
February 23, 2007
Sunday Funnies
These are the kind of antics I woke up to this morning.
March 14, 2007
Bombay Calling
I've been experiencing software glitches for the past FOUR DAYS, which has left me with no net service or email. Every day I've called tech support only to receive minor fixes to some problems and no overall solutions. Below is a short, somewhat humorous video, of what I've been experiencing. Of course, tech support is the least of my problems, but more on that later.
April 01, 2007
Sunday Funnies
Still recuperating from laryngitis, pharyngiitis, and a mild case of bronchitis. Now that I'm able to keep food down, I'm as hungry as an elephant. Last night I dreamed of coconut macaroons and potato pancakes with apple sauce again. I'm salivating from just writing that! Must leave to forage for food. For now I leave you with some funny stuff, Calvin style.
OH MY GOD!!!!
Mark got so upset over some comments left by munuvians & bloggers on his website that he posted all their personal information (full name, home addy, tel. number and place of emplyment along with their address) on his site as a way to retaliate. Doesn anyone know how to contact Blogger Officials to have his site taken down?
April 05, 2007
Pesach/Passover for Dummies
For those of you anostics/gentiles/heathens who have always wondered what happense at a Passover seder/dinner, here's the humorous abridged version to enlighten you.
One of my favorite yummy passover treats (yes, my brain knows I'm not Jewish, but my tummy doesn't) which I used to make for my elderly neighbor & co-workers from time, was cocunut macaroons. I made a batch last night, with my son's help, using a recipe from the Barefoot Contessa cookbook noted below, that also happened to be online.1
I needed the online version to send my co-workers the link, who threatened me with bodily harm (after eating my macaroons) if I didn't share the recipe with them by tonight. A word of caution: these babies are sinfully delicious because they commit major transgression against all nutritionally sound principles.
My favorite Easter dish and recipe will be posted later on today. Okay, now it's your turn to share with me, what's your favorite Passover/Easter dish?
1. Barefoot Contessa Family Style 2002 Clarkson Potter/Publisher
April 21, 2007
Funny Political Music Video by Tony Blair
This was sent to me by someone trying to cheer me up. Its Tony Blair covering one of my favorite songs by The Clash - Should I stay or should I go in regards to his deciding to run for office in 2008. Thanks Derek, humor is indeed the best medicine. It made me smile and it made me chuckle. Thanks!
May 18, 2007
Important Confession
I have a really important confession to make. Yes, I have to confess it all before I explode. After more than 20 yrs., my affections for a special someone have finally been outgrown (as you can see I'm nothing if not loyal) due to neglect and lack of growth. Yes, my love has shifted from this man to a new man in my life.
I'm sorry but I just can't seem to stop thinking about this wonderful new man. Believe me, it has nothing to do with his money, power, or prestige, as those do nothing for me. NOPE! It DOES have everything to do with his intelligence and unbelievable wit. I'm sorry but that's an incredibly sexy and deadly combination. Don't believe me, see him in action for yourself and judge. Is he not the sexiest man alive? I'll bet you'll agree. Brad Pitt and George Clooney have NOTHING on him. Besides, we both have the same political inclinations and we are both multi-faceted media people.
But back off ladies (and this means you Tammi, and you, and you, and you too Jane!), 'cause I lay a claim to this man and he's mine! Mine, MINE, MINE I tell you!!!
May 31, 2007
Spew Alert
UPDATE: Okay, I'm closing off comments because I don't think my poor immortal Christian soul can handle the increasingly racey comments. Sorry!
Semen - Addictive & Mood Enhancing
According to an article in Psychology Today, the study's author, Gordon G. Gallup, Ph.D., "a psychologist at the State University of New York, women who do not use condoms during sex are less depressed and less likely to attempt suicide than are women who have sex with condoms and women who are not sexually active, leads one researcher to conclude that semen contains powerfuland potentially addictivemood-altering chemicals."
Something tells me, guys are going to have small laminated copies of this article made, just to keep in their wallets and share it with the women in their lives.
June 03, 2007
Fun With Horrorscopes
Because of a localized power failure I have nothing interesting to post. Well, except for my horoscope.
So lets see what this month has instore for me:
Gemini, its going to be an exciting month. In fact, this could be a pivotal month in many ways. To begin, you're excited about an association you either are about to make or just forged in the last weeks of May. You usually like to fly solo, but this month you see clearly all the reasons why you shouldn't. The person standing close to you has apparently gained your trust and shown you a vision of a better future. If you feel ready to promise your love this would be one of the best times in the year to do so. (You will get another wonderful chance in December.) If, on the other hand, you'd rather collaborate in a business partnership or association, it would be also the right moment to create that collaboration.
Your friends will play a major role this month, too. Lately, you've been so caught up at work that your pals have complained that they hardly see you. They have had to wait patiently for you to come 'round. Happily, you've now come to a point where you can sit back and enjoy all that you've accomplished. It's time to exhale, relax, and schedule some fun dates for lunch, drinks, or dinner with those you've been meaning to see. One particularly exciting day will be June 8th, when Jupiter will combine forces with Mars to create all sorts of fun.
You'll be thinking about others at the start of June, but come the second half of June, you'll focus on your own needs. The new moon in Gemini will appear on June 14, a key point in the year. In the days and weeks that follow, you'll have an opportunity to go back to personal goals and dreams that have languished because responsibilities have gotten in the way. Choose the one dream that means the most to you and find a way to give it a big push forward.
Mercury will turn retrograde on June 15 for a three-week period, making the second half of June a good time to review past successes and disappointments and analyze what worked and what has not. Refine your direction and reset your compass in midmonth. Build elasticity into your plan to allow for a few surprises that will inevitably come up. If you had a dream you tried to launch that for whatever reason didn't lift off, Mercury retrograde may give you a second chance to do so now.
If you need to take a business trip, do so on June 19, when meetings are likely to lead you to lucrative situations. If you work in twosome teams or have an agent, the person you are partnering with will be quite helpful in reeling in a big deal.
The month ends with an emphasis on money. You might decide to make a sizable contribution to your retirement account, or set up a fund that you can gradually contribute to as you go along. Or you may be paid a substantial sum for a commission, insurance payout, or bonus. One way or anther, your fortunes should increase at this full moon, June 30.
June 13, 2007
Antidote for a Bad Day
Nay, taken once a day for a week, he can give you a permanent attitude adjustment. I just have to keep counting down the days till all legislatures go on recess for July 4. Anyway, to brighten up your day, here's Robin Williams doing a bit of his stand up show: Live on Broadway - Nov. 2006
For more where that came from, double-click on the object.