In my lifetime, there have been only 4 men I've been absolutely, totally and madly in love with. I've carried a torch for these men from a distance for many years. You couldn't call them crushes because a crush disappears over time and my love for them is eternal, though it is contingent on our maintaining our shared philosophy and values. Having a wonderful sense of humor is essential for them to maintain their status on my list and my continued loyalty and affection.
John Cleese has been one on that very short list of 4. I fell in love with him and Eric Idle (of Monty Python) after spending a few brief hours in their presence during one of their American Tours. You can say he and Eric are my British Elvii or Elivises! To them I am more than a fan. To them I am... that American woman they have a restraining order against, which forces me to stay on this side of the Atlantic. Sigh! As a result, I am unable to communicate with them directly. Communication is only achieved through designated 3rd parties (our lawyers). It's the only way I can be assured they will get my letters and will read them and not throw them out like all the others before.
Well, to my great surprise, excitement and delight John answered my last letter with an email of his own. Below is the coded message that I received from him, which I have not yet been able to decipher. Once I do break the code, I will be able to confirm his undying love for me too. Sigh!
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Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves properly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it all along. The letter 'U' will be henceforth reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'humour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary) in order to communicate effectively with your fellow kingsmen.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication as "duh" and "whatever". There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know this bit of information upon our guards arrival to their Gates. The Microsoft spellchecker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. Instead, you will observe Boxing day.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A license will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road upon reading this notice. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour and stoicism (look up the word stoicism).
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it!
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are heretofore properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut slces of potato, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must finally tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation and remember, the Queen's assesion will take place shortly, curtsying and bowing will, however, commence immediately!
Funny!
Actually, VariFrank had a well-reasoned argument for the US allowing Great Britain to petition to join the US as states.
Here's the link:
http://varifrank.com/archives/2004/10/is_it_time_to_e_1.php
I'm guessing that you are actually the "Queen" to which he refers so reverently :-)
Posted by: Harvey at November 2, 2005 09:59 AM