Letters from NYC

Laughter is often the BEST medicine. What a great friend you have. ; )

Regarding the carpal tunnel and typing, there are a number of voice recognition programs out there. I use Dragon for work and home. You can "train" the program to learn how you say words and it is most helpful for those of us who spend oodles of time on the computer...

Take care.

Michele - please take Christina up on her offer. I miss you SO much when you have to take these breaks.

Meanwhile:

A new law recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.

When my bursitis got too bad to type, I taught myself to type with only my left hand. This is because I write a LOT of english papers, and the last time I tried to use voice recognition software, it didn't go very well. It was deleted from my hard drive with much malevolence. Eye could knot tern inn a paper that looked like this. This stupid program would take the LEAST used word and put it in. I threw it's CD out the window where it bounced off a pine tree and landed in the neighbor's pool.

Hrm, a joke... Know what? I can't think of one, so just follow this link.

http://www.jumpstation.ca/recroom/comedy/python/joke.html

Sorry to read the news, Michele. If I were you, I'd give Dragon, or Viavoice, a try. It's not good for everybody, but if it's to you that would be great.

Get well soon, and take care of yourself, will you?

Now for the cheery humor stuff:

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Just wait, it'll get worse ;-)

No, wait, Harvey... don't. Please. :)

Eric is a riot. I think I kick over there a couple times a day just to see what comes out of that brain of his. Truly one of the best bloggers out there. And the stuff he finds... cracks me up.

Hope you heal up. How is your workstation set up? I had tendonitis in my elbow a few years ago and had to reassess my workstation.

Bou - Sorry, the torture MUST continue...

Handy Worplace Phrases

Some pretty 'useful' phrases you, too, can use at the workplace when truly pushed to the edge:

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

3. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

5. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

6. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

7. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and foolish.

8. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

9. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

17. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

20. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

22. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

23. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

NOTE: I didn't delete any, that's the way the list came. I have no idea what happened to 18 & 19

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver. The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles.

Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer, at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the surgeon and asks, ''Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?''

"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."

Woman: I have a problem.
Doctor: Well, are you regular?

Woman: Yes I am. Every day I do a number one at 7:30 in the morning and a number two at 8:30.

Doctor: So, what's the problem?

Woman: I don't get up untill 9:30.

Here's my contribution:
3 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door....

"Who is it?????", The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "nice jugs sisters, where do you want the blinds??"

A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. A lot of people are surprised, since conventional wisdom has it that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

These were stolen straght from "One Happy Dog Speaks" blog, but I am sure you will enjoy...

TOP 5 SMART *SS ANSWERS FOR 2004...

Smart *SS Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart *SS Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart *SS Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart *SS Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

AND NOW FOR THE #1 SMART *SS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
Stolen straight from "One Happy Dog Speaks", but I am sure you will enjoy...

A smart *SS guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

Sorry about the pain, Michele. :(

Who'd've thought a little side-splitting, and losing a bit or your arse would compensate for the pain in your wrists? ;)

Will be watching for your comeback :D

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

Posted at my site today:

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So, . . . what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for . . . a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the fricking map again."

Feel better soon! We miss you!!!

Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.
''Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!''

''Not now! I'm eating.''

''Oh come on!'' said the rabbit. ''It's really important.''

''No way.''

''Please. It can't wait!''

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

''Well, rabbit,'' he panted. ''What did you want to tell me?''

''Hey, Teddy,'' the rabbit began, ''look how many berries are on the other side of the river.''

Reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, ''Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins.''
''What a coincidence,'' the man said with some obvious pride. ''I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.''

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, ''You sir, are the father of triplets.''

''Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence '' he answered. ''I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the thirrd man -- who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. ''Don't tell me! Another coincidence?'' asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said ''I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!''

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers...''

What do you get if you breed a pitbull terrier with Lassie?

A dog that will chew your arm off but then run for help!

A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The blonde at the wheel looked very confused and scared.

"What's going on here, ma'am?"

"Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path. I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another." The cop looked inside her car and sighed.

"Ma'am. That's your air freshener."

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor't; says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor.

''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheeze Whiz?

A: Cheeze Whuz.

Hey Michele,

Please email me about the Dragon program.

Thanks,

I posted some stuff for you at my site.

Bob and Phil were taking a flight across the Atlantic from New York to London. About halfway across the Atlantic, the captain came on the intercom and made an announcement, interupting the movie.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I regret to have to tell you that we've had some problems with our number 2 engine, so we had to shut it down. Don't worry, we can still make the flight on our remaining three engines, but we will be a half hour late arriving in England."

Bob and Phil went back to watching the movie. A short time later, the captain again came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry to tell you this, but we've had to shut down another engine. The plane can still fly with just two engines, but now we'll be an hour late to England."

Bob and Phil listened to the captain, and then continued to watch the movie. A few minutes later, the captain came back on the intercom again.

"Folks, I'm really sorry to have to say this, but we've had to shut down another engine. This plane will fly just fine on the remaining one, but unfortunately, we will now be two hours late getting into England."

When the captain was done talking, Bob turned to Phil and said, "You know what? If he shuts down that last engine, we're going to be stuck up here all day."

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am
doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports
me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not
just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the
minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do
just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said
the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

Two men were lost in the Sahara Desert. They had gone for days without water, and were just about to give up and die when they saw a strange thing on the horizon. At first, they thought it was just a mirage. But as they got closer, they saw it was a small market set in the middle of the desert.

They staggered up to the first tent. “Water, please.” They begged.

The proprietor said he was sorry, but all he served was a dessert dish with fruit, cake and pudding.

The two men left his tent and stumbled to the next one. Again, when they asked for water, they were told that all that was available was a dessert dish with fruit, cake and pudding. This held true for every tent they went to. Finally, after searching the whole place and not finding any water, they walked off, once again, into the desert in search of water.

As they left, the first man turned and said to his companion, “That was pretty odd. All they had was that fruit, cake and pudding dish.”

To which the second man said, “Yes, it was a Triffle Bazaar.”

Here's my favorite joke. It took me a little while to find it...

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half
getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus
and is killed.
At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's
Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner
grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?" the man asks.
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's
eaten it.

When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending
hundreds of thousands of volts through the man.
When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't
believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's
never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling
tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are
still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.
The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric
chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs
the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke
is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the
condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his
banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips
the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out
Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses.
Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on,
this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair
again. The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the
chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the
chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed
lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin
included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million
trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is
still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can
still be alive after all that?"
He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana
isn't it?" he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke,"...I'm just a really bad conductor."

Get well soon.

GEBIV - Those jokes of yours are just going to make her sick all over again :-)

Anyway...

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mudpit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his p3n1s and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

OOPS! The title of the above list is "How to tell your Amish teen is troubled" :-/

By the way, I'm gonna keep posting these awful jokes as long as this post is on top :-)

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

How to Tell When You Have PMS

1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2) You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3) The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4) Your man is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5) You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-E**-S***."

6) Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7) You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8) You're counting down the days until menopause.

9) You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10) The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Classic Baseball Quotes

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then I'd probably have seen a lot more of my husband."
--Karolyn Rose, ex-wife of Pete Rose, 1981

"It's a weird scene. You win a few baseball games and all of a sudden, you're surrounded by reporters and TV men with cameras asking you about Vietnam and race relations."
--Vida Blue, 1971

"I watch a lot of baseball on the radio."
--Gerald Ford, 1978

"It's a beautiful day for a night game."
--Announcer Frankie Frisch

"The most important things in life are good friends and a strong bull pen."
--Pitcher Bob Lemon, 1981

"Well, that kind of puts a damper on another Yankees win."
--Announcer Phil Rizzuto, after a news bulletin reporting the death of Pope Paul VI, 1978

"They brought me up with the Brooklyn Dodgers, which at time was in Brooklyn."
--Casey Stengel, 1962

"I won't play for a penny less than $1500."
--Honus Wagner, turning down an offer of $2000

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly,
"Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

Harry Potter Sequels

Harry Potter and the Throbbing Muscle of Love
Harry Potter and the Revenge of Montezuma
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer from NAMBLA
Harry Potter and the Painful Rectal Itch
Harry Potter and the Decline of Literacy
Harry Potter and the Sticky March Issue of Hustler
Harry Potter and the Sorceress's Sore
Harriet Potter after the Life-Altering Surgery
Harry Potter and the Curse of the Lisp
Harry Potter and the Inflatable Sheep
Harry Potter and Spinning Grave of Tolkien
Harry Potter and the Trenchcoat Mafia
Harry Potter and the Carnivorous Pony
Harry Potter and the Over-Hyped Children's Author and Clever Marketing Campaign
Harry Potter and the Unexplainable Wad of Tissues

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ''But we don't know anything about each other.'' He said,''That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.''

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

''That was incredible!'' she said.

''I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.''

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

''That was incredible!" he said. "Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?''

''No,'' she said, ''I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.''

A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he has any peanuts. He says no. She comes back the next day with the same question and gets the same answer. She then comes back another day and asks him again. He says ''No, and if you come back I'll nail your freakin' hands to the table!''

So she comes back and asks him, ''Do you have any nails?''

He says no.

''Well then, do you have any peanuts?''

As he is quietly watching television at home, a man hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it is a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly calls up the local zoo autorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovering unit is on the way and to remain calm. A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver takes from the back of the truck a chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this. As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan: 'First I'll climb up there with the ladder, then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat; As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuahua dog will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...' Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asks why he was handed the .12 gauge shotgun? 'Well... ' explains the experienced gorilla retriever, 'It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat, shoot the dog.'

YAY! You're better now! :-)