Zonker once had a post in which he wote: “If it’s not one thing, it’s my mother!” When I read that phrase I swear I thought that was the perfect way to describe the challenging relationship I have with my mother. Of course that was not the way he meant that phrase, but that’s how it applies in my life.
Earlier in the week I received a voice mail message from my mother summoning me to visit her this weekend. This after 5 months of not hearing anything from her and not getting call backs to my messages, nor my sister responding to my emails. She was busy she says, and my sister offered up lots of weak excuses to support her.
My family is the greatest source of frustration in my life. So why do I even bother with them? Maybe its because I’m a dutiful daughter, or because I don’t want to give up in case a miracle happens. Maybe its because they are the only people left in my life who I have history with or the only biological living relatives within a reasonable distance. To tell you the truth I really don’t know. One thing’s for sure, it’s really amazing I have any self-esteem and positive outlook at all, coming from the family I grew up in.
Even as I hung up the phone last night, I knew how today was going to go. It’s been the same way for over 30 years so why change the routine now?
Within the first 5 minutes the focus would be on my weight. Even when I was modeling and weighed 92lbs I was still not “toned” enough and she found my muscles flaccid. This would naturally be followed by lots of suggestions on what I should do and how nobody would ever want me if I didn’t [fill in the blank]. Since I never respond to her comments or suggestions a quiet death would follow. But the weight of the comments were enough to hang heavy on my psyche. After a 10 minute interlude of normal conversation which was mostly gossip and a litany of offenses by other family members against her (especially my sisters) to which I no longer respond to with questions in order to figure out that they are mostly slight of perception, she would then return her focus on me. Her next 20 - 30 minute commentary would then be focused on my hair and skin followed by her eliciting agreement from anyone present. The suggestions that followed began with a slow and excruciatingly painful evaluation of my hair and skin care regimes. If she thought I wasn’t paying attention, piercing zingers would soon follow. The torture continued, by focusing on the choices of career, husband [marrying outside the culture and faith]), church, etc. but I’m sure by now you get the picture, so I won’t bore you with more details.
Over the years I’ve endured it all for the sake of family harmony, and because I’ve not met a family yet which doesn’t have dysfunctional member of their own. So I’ve endured it all, but in the last 5 years I started not to visit when I wasn’t emotionally or psychologically strong to counter the negative messages of being incomplete, insufficient and very defective in many ways.
By the end of today’s visit, I was alarmed. After the first hour of cursory discussion of my deficiencies, in which I’m slowly picked apart physically, she settled into a quiet lull. After about 30 min., she began by telling me that my son was so thin he was practically a skeleton (never mind that he eats everything in sight). As with me, she moved on to his skin and hair. But when she got to his teeth I was in shock. The torture was officially moving on to the next generation.
Mind you, she doesn’t do this with any of my sisters or their children, only with me, and as of today my son. The saving grace was that she was speaking in Castilian, so even my nephew, who was with us for the afternoon, didn’t understan what was being said.
In a way I’m glad I’m writing this because my stomach has begun to slowly unknot itself. Normally it would take me 3 days and lots of cleaning to get through this, but there were a lot of realizations as I began to write this post:
1) Even when I modeled I wasn’t perfect in her eyes, so no matter how I look, what I wear, how successful I am, how much I work on taking care of her, how happy I am, I will never be good, perfect or even okay in her eyes.
2) I remember grandpa being somewhat critical of her and some of her choices in life, so it’s obvious it’s generational. (Even if I agreed with my grandfather.)
3) She has a deep-seeded belief (rooted in her upbringing) that women are incomplete without a man in their lives and she fiercely fears my independence and freedom because she truly doesn’t understand what being whole and complete in oneself really is.
4) Excuses are what my family members use to shirk responsibilities or to cover up anything they failed to follow through on. It’s no wonder feeble excuses drive me crazy!
Perhaps the icing on the cake of frustration was her trying to set me up with guy. Before we left for our walk to the park, she insisted I take off my wedding band (which I always wear). I refused to do so on 2 counts: my divorce is not final, and until such time I’m still married (even if I’ve been separated for almost 5 yrs now); and I’m truly happy with my life and not even remotely interested or thinking about a relationship. Even with cancer, I feel spiritually and psychologically whole and complete!
After 40 years I know that to counter her messages I have to spend a few days saying lots of positive affirmations, posting them around the house and writing in my journal how my choices have all served to make me the valued person that I am and to remind myself of the positive things people see, appreciate and find value in me.
Sigh! [Deep breath…. Hold…. Exhale slowly!] There, I’m on the road to recovery. I Think I’ll go do some yoga and meditate for awhile and see if I can connect to myself in a happy place.
Posted by Michele at July 29, 2006 11:17 PM | TrackBackWow. Pardon my French but that really, really sucks, Michele. I cannot understand why your mom would be like that but some people just are. I know from my siblings that my own mother has the same sort of tendencies but (for better or for worse) I'm generally oblivious to anything she says.
One more thing...don't mean to be overly critical but you're wrong. The quote, which I "borrowed" from a good friend, is "if it's not one thing, it's your mother." Not *my* mother. *Your* mother.
;-P
Anyhow, here's the post...
http://thundernroses.typepad.com/thunder_and_roses/2005/10/as_a_good_frien.html
"Your Mother"!!?!!
See... that's why your blog needs a search feature... so you won't get misquoted.
Uh, don't look at my side bar though. I've tried and failed with various codes to integrate a search function. Hmmmm maybe if we put our heads together we can come up with something?
Maybe we can pencil that as a project for the spring of 2007, when you're not busy going to blogmeets and entertaining bloggers [see the green hue to my envious eyes].
You have touched my life in a positive manner. I appreciate what you have shared. It has been thought provoking, a teaching of sorts. Thank you. And it's nice to know you are human enough to make a mistake in quoting someone. I do it all the time. ;-)
Posted by: vw bug at July 30, 2006 07:31 AMI would tell her the following. Although I know it won't work since she's now in a habit, but it's worth it for your self esteem...
"We will come see you, but the first time you criticize me or my son, we are leaving immediately. You don't get a second chance we will not stay."
Then follow through on it! Don't let her talk you out of it or try some phoney apology. She get's one shot and you are out the door with each visit.
She'll either learn to hold her tongue or you will be out of there and you don't have to sit through a catalog of bogus nitpickings. Plus you will have done your duty and at least tried to see her. The best part is, you will have warned her prior to going and if she agrees then you can leave with a clear mind. If she doesn't agree you don't go. It's a win, win, win.
Of course my mother is whacked too and so is my FIL... so we get weird crap from both sides of the family. *sigh*
Some people are simply not happy unless they are denigrating someone else. Sadly, you are the one she's picked to shovel her crap onto - the fact that you even still speak to her is amazing. Hang in there - you are a terrific person and a wonderful mother. BTW - both of my kids ate everything in sight and were skinny as rails growing up. Your son is lucky. Would that we all had such metabolism!
We have to be related somehow because if I were to write something about my relationship with my mother I would just copy/paste what you have wrote.
It's taken me a long time but I have finally seen through her crap and don't take it any longer.
I can't take it any longer as it affects me too much and I don't need that in my life any longer. I rarely talk to her anymore and we only do a passing hi,hello at family get togethers.
Posted by: Quality Weenie at July 31, 2006 11:10 AMYou're an amazing woman... screw mom's opinion.
Heh, and I know the expression as the definition of a Freudian slip: when you say one thing and mean your mother.
Paul
Posted by: Light & Dark at July 31, 2006 08:34 PM