I want to thank those of you who have called, sent me text messages, and left comments of support and encouragement. I have always believed that a positive frame of mind is stronger and more powerful than any other mind set and you guys are doing a great job of keeping me there.
About 8 weeks ago, after a routine check up and a biopsy of skin cells (the size of a dime), I was diagnosed with stage 1 malignant melanoma (cancer). Luckily they got all the malignant cells during the biopsy and didn't have to go back for more. Afterwards, I consulted with top skin doctors in NYC to confirm the diagnosis and map out a treatment plan that would ensure I stay in the 96% of those who achieve a total recovery rate. Because it was caught during my routine check up, and because I’m a vegetarian and lead a healthy lifestyle (I don't smoke, drink or bask in the sun anymore), my own personal prognosis and recovery rate has been placed even higher.
I went in to the 1st chemotherapy session knowing it would be the toughest because you don't know how your body will react or what to expect until you go through it. Blessedly and gratefully, the nausea and runs have not wiped me out totally. I have dealt with stomach viruses that have knocked me about worse. Afterwards I had enough stamina to do the basics in order to take care of me and take care of my son as he recovers from his tonsillectomy, and the visiting nurse has been helping with the rest.
You guys have been helping too, with all your kind loving words. However, there’s just one message that I received, that I truly don’t know what to make of it or how to respond.
In situations like this I normally consult my friends and get guidance from them, but since they’re dead, dear reader, I have to leave it to you to give me ideas on how to respond.
To give a bit of a background, this person asked that I confirm I had cancer. After sending an email giving confirmation and a brief outline of my positive circumstances they didn't respond. After awhile I emailed and thought it best to make things clearer and easier for them to understand and I explained about my positive prognosis and the steps I’ve taken to ensure that I remain healthy and well. Below is the body of the email I received in response to the 2 page email I labored in sending to this individual to make it known that the only discomfort I’m experiencing is that from the treatment itself.
Any thoughts or guidance you can offer me on what to say or how to respond is greatly appreciated because I’m truly at a loss for words with this one.
Thanks for writing.
As they say, the proof is in the pudding.
Only time will determine if you heal and recover.
I would have preferred if you had shared with me so that I could have prayed and tried to help you. But I can see that you have prepared yourself well.
Michele - first off I had a malignant melanoma removed back in 1987... chemo was not done back then for melanoma, they took extra skin and did gallium scans to be sure there had been no spread. I wonder when they started doing chemo - because melanoma is very resistant to it. Interesting.
As for the letter writer - sour grapes. Very very nasty sour grapes.
You're under no obligation to tell people details of your medical history. (even if they want to pray for you) If this is a "friend" I suggest that you simply drop the acquaintance - let it go. I hope it isn't family, because they tend to be harder to ignore.
In any case my reply to a note like that would run along the lines of:
Considering the tone of your previous email - you may keep all your prayers for yourself - you will certainly need them.
Hope your son is feeling much better by today.
Posted by: Teresa at July 3, 2006 04:55 PMI hope you and your son are feeling better soon.
As for your note that you received. My thought is that "No response is necessary." Unless you want to keep the lines of communication open. And then at this point, I have no good advice.
Posted by: vw bug at July 3, 2006 08:14 PMNever an easy thing, for there is obviously history and perhaps more here. That said, the person comes across as extremely selfish and self-centered. It's all about them. If you have to keep the lines open, don't play into their game and do not let them dictate the terms. Too many out there today who do that. If you don't have to keep the lines open, simply don't respond. It truly isn't worth the response and any response will likely be siezed as an opening for more. Such people are energy/emotion vampires, and I would prefer you to focus your energy on healing and not in wasting it on them. All the best to you and your son!
Posted by: Laughing Wolf at July 4, 2006 06:31 AMSorry you're going through all of this, but Darlin', if I know anything about you its that you're kind, patient and caring, even with idiots like me.
This person is one collosal idiot, even a bigger one than I was, so maybe time and distance will help just as it did with us.
But wolfman is right, above all else focus your energies on yourself, beating this thing and taking care of that bright son of yours.
TTFN!
You're going through a rough patch, Michele, and while I know that this person probably does wish you well, they really didn't do a good job of showing it. I suspect that something in their own history has caused them to respond in such a self-centered fashion and I'm sure that in their own mind they have their reasons for feeling hurt by your decision not to "share". In any event, they need to deal with their own problems and I hope that you don't let yourself get weighed down by their guilt-trips.
I hope you and your son have a wonderful 4th. If there's anything I can do, please let me know. I'll certainly be sending good thoughts your way. I hope to talk to you soon!
Posted by: zonker at July 4, 2006 12:43 PMIt seems to me that this person is angry with you. Maybe it was the fact that you didn't tell them, maybe it's the fact that you didn't turn to them for help, who knows. What is clear is that they're angry with you and therefore this person's attitude is one that will not be helpful during this time.
Posted by: Alexei at July 4, 2006 08:53 PMZonker is a much nicer person than I am :-)
Posted by: Teresa at July 4, 2006 09:43 PMThis person calls themselves your friend? With friends like that who needs enemies?
There's an inherent evilness in the tone, that's subtly masked by an overture of spirituality that makes it's both incredible and scary. There's skillful emotional manipulation at hand here and I for one say run in the opposite direction and stay away. This person has none of your best interests at heart.
Posted by: Lisa at July 5, 2006 11:58 AMI agree that it sounds a bit hostile. There's definitely passive/aggressive behaviour going on here, but it seems to be on a subconcious level which is more dangerous than at a concious level.
Nevertheless, in your condition it's best to just focus on yourself and not expend your positive energy on someone that obviously needs professional counseling. We have a saying in the mental health field: hostility comes from past history, meaning that Laughing Wolf is right, there's more here in his past that this person needs to work through.
That being said, I'm glad you're getting the support you deserve. You are a very caring individual and deserve only to surround yourself with emotionally healthy and supportive individuals.
Posted by: Max at July 5, 2006 12:24 PMWhen I first read that, I thought "Wow, that's pretty selfish." I was pretty shocked to find it in the sent folder of my e-mail. I didn't remember writing it. But write it I did.
Reading the comments was very educational. in a helpful way. I'll try to learn from those opinions. I didn't realize I was being so selfish, but even I can see it now.
With regard to my e-mail and the words that hurt you so:
I'm sorry.
No qualifiers, no exceptions, no strings. My sincerest apologies for hurting you.
I think it's telling that even in this post, on your blog, you've helped me. Thank you.
Again, I'm sorry.
Take Care
Posted by: at July 5, 2006 09:03 PM