Letters from NYC

Its Tourist Season

I've just heard on the radio it's bear and tourist season in NY. One of the things that invariably happens if you have a big apt in NYC, is that you get to play host to a number of out of town guests (friends of family or of other friends). I have always loved playing host to my guests, and they in turn have always returned, which tells me they've had a good time in the first place. I've made some strong friendships that way. It's how I've been able to travel the world and visit places like Asia, Europe, Canada/Mexico and South America. Over the years, I've hosted and played tour guide to people from 17 different countries and 23 states and loved every second of it; after all none of them were New Yorkers.

The only time I have regretted playing host was to a former roommate's high school friend, who was originally from California. I haven't much cared for Californians since then. This group recently emailed me announcing their impending visit to NY and letting me know they'd like to stay with me. No, they didn't ask. How sweet of them to be so friendly! [NOT] After only a split second thought of how I was going to say no I simply hit the reply key and let my fingers take over. The result? A strangely amusing email that should do the trick w/these airheads. Anyone venture to guess if this email will work?

Dear Lei,

Hang Ten right back at you buddy. It was "mindblowingly stupefying" to get an email from you after almost ten years. I definitely must figure out how on earth you got my rocketmail email address.

So, what makes you ditch the cool North Shore waves in Oahu for some rock hard heated asphalt in the summer? Surely, you're not writing because you remembered my birthday? That would be just too "cosmically coincidental!" Or maybe it's because you remembered that you owed me close to $300 dollars for all the accidental damage your buddies caused while you stayed with me the last time? Since you didn't mention it in your email I'd venture to guess that's not the main reason you emailed me.

I still can't get over my surprise from the last time you stayed with me when I opened the door to find you, your girl, and 3 other people looking to crash for a few days. It's just a pity that I never took surfer-speak and wasn't clued in to the fact that a few days really meant 2½ weeks. You always thought that was funny, but somehow I never really saw the connection to humor in that. Who knows, maybe it's just my NY sensibilities.

I'm really surprised you're not visiting your family in California this time around. Although from the stories of you boozing/crashing incident at your sister's wedding I kind of understand why you're keeping a low profile with them.

Anyway, it's really a pity that I won't be able to host your little shindig as I did before. I hope you'll understand that since 9/11 I've become more leery of people who enter my home, unlike our government. If truth be told I would implant a biochip under any foreigner's skin wishing to enter US soil. That way we could track them via GPS technology down to within a few feet of where they are; should we need to detain them we could simply send a laser precise beam and knock them out cold, till authorities can get to them. Someone I know has a similar idea and has published his plans for a SMITE gun which emits rays that kills them. I'm looking for a kinder gentler solution.

That's also a great way to figure out who's a foreign alien (like your friend Dietr) and who is an alien trying to infiltrate our society as humans. If we ever do get to catch any space aliens I would then do onto them as they've done onto us for years, medical probes! Long, slow, complex and mind-bending medical probes of their bodies.

Personally, I really don't think it would be a good idea to stay with me this time around. You see, my aluminum foil covered windows, only have enough power to protect my son and I because we enhance it's protective powers with our special metal funnel hats and aluminum covered glasses. If more people come into the apt. the foil would not be able to protect you or your possessions from the harmful space alien rays that affect the brain. This would make all of you vulnerable to an already dangerous wavelength fluctuation going on in your head as a result of your travel to NY.

What I can do to help though, is send you links for all the best, inexpensive places to stay while here in my next email. In the meantime, here's 2 lists of things to see/do in NY. Below is my personal recommendations, and here's a link to the Top 40 things to do in NYC. Hope you enjoy your stay. I'm afraid that even meeting you would be a challenge as I'd have to get clearance from the Commander of our Space Alien Watch (SAW) group. We're responsible for assisting the gov't in watching the skies for any UFO aircraft that penetrates our air space with Stealth-like technology. Unfortunately I don't have a phone number to give you to stay in touch because I don't have one. SAW believes that by not having one we prevent aliens from transmitting brainwashing messages to us directly or via voice mail messages. I'm sure you've heard those tones pretending to be fax machines.

Remain well and prosper! When travelling through NY don't forget to keep a 4x4 inch square piece of aluminum foil under your hat to protect you from any harmful alien rays.

My Top 10 places to visit in NYC:

1. Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge from Brooklyn and tour a few historical places from when NY was the capitol of the US.
2. Visit Times Square / see a Broadway show like Monty Python's Spamalot
3. Ride the Staten Island Ferry for a low cost way to see the Statue of Liberty
4. Visit at least one art museum: MoMA, MMA, Guggenheim, Whitney
5. Visit Central Park�s: Strawberry Fields/Lennon memorial, the boat house, the Rambles and hunt ducks/swans near the footbridge.
7. Go to a Yankees Mets game
8. Go to the top of the Empire State Building, on a clear day you can really see forever.
9. Do an eating & walking tour of Chinatown / Little Italy / Greenwich Village
10. Visit the World Trade Center Site and St Paulâ's Chapel

Notice I didn't put the UN on this list as I believe many of their members are dual aliens!

Posted by Michele at June 7, 2005 11:31 AM