Update: Random Penseur is another blogger who contemplates the question of friendship, but his exploration focuses on the nature of online friendships. I think his post, as well as his readers comments are a very interesting and worthwhile read. Shall we discuss?
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This afternoon I stopped by my blog bro, That1Guy's site, over at Drunken Wisdom and read his post on losing touch with friends. I related so much to his post, but for very different reasons, that it got me thinking on how my own relationships have drastically changed since 9/11.
For one thing, since the death of my friends on that day, I've adjusted my definitions of friend and have established a criteria for those people who think I’m their friend, when in truth we are less than that. To that group I am a friend because I’m available to talk when they call and I’m able to help when they need something from me. This is really hardly a reciprocal relationship. In my book, reciprocity is an important element of friendship.
Since then, my friendships are really not light or superficial ones. Once I care about you and call you friend, which does take awhile for me, that’s it - you have me in your life till you kick me to the curb and tell me to get lost. That's why this virtual world is so great, you can't really kick me off your site, unless you ban me. And lets face it.... so many of us are in need of readers They're not going to ban me, I just too darn adorable and sassy (lol)!
I believe my aperçu is colored by my relationship experience in this large urban city I live in. In NY, most people will easily call me there friend even when I don’t even know where they live or when their birthday is. Most of these people believe that anyone they have a casual relationship with on a regular basis and who has something to offer is called a friend. M'aperçu est que ces gens ne considèrent pas n'importe qui en tant qu'ami vrai. / My insight is that those people don't consider anyone a true friend.
To me those are “friendly acquaintances”; it’s no big deal if you see those people or not, or even if you never see them again because they’re inconsequential to your happiness. They are different from people you have history with, who no matter how much time passes and the distance between you, there’s a bond that exists. If they were to call you or if you were to call them in need, either of you would be there for the other.
Then there are friendships that bring you such fun or joy or love (or all 3), that you create a life that includes them. The circle of friends I had prior to 9/11 were people that enriched my life so much that if I didn’t catch up with them I would miss them greatly. We all felt that way about each other. We were each other’s chosen family. Because I was the one with maternal instincts, holidays and parties were always at my apartment, or co-hosted by me. No matter where I was in the world I always knew what was going on with them and they with me.
That being said, I feel very fortunate to include several bloggers, whom I've never met, yet feel they are friends because of the depth of our interaction and communication.
In looking back, I’ve had friends come into my life to add meaning and depth for only a short while before reverting back to being friendly acquaintances, and staying at the periphery of my life. Those are people I really wouldn’t feel comfortable calling in an emergency. Others, who I’ve known longer, will probably remain a part of my life because I need not explain anything about myself; we understand all about each other from our past. Those people, like T1G’s older friend, can catch up with me (and vice versa) once in a blue moon and we can still be as close as ever.
What has caused us to drift away? Simple, our lives, our needs and our interests change in a way that we drift away from the familiar to explore new people and new interests. If we have families, our precious time and intimate circle is reduced considerably to only that which is and those who are truly important in our lives. My choice in making my circle smaller is out of self-protection. I can’t be there for everyone anymore. If I did I wouldn’t have a life, let alone the quality of life I have now. And my son? He wouldn’t have a loving or caring mother, he’d have a frazzled, stressed out witch for a parent instead.
I value the few friendships I do have, whether 10 blocks away or 10 thousand miles away. It really doesn’t matter how often we stay in touch, or how we do it. As T1G’s wise older friend meant, in the end, what is most important is the quality of the relationship.
Amen, Michele. This is really close to some of what he was talking about that night.
Glad I could inspire your post!
Posted by: That 1 Guy at June 3, 2005 12:03 AMI lost my best friend when I was 12 years old to a fire. After that, making a friend became difficult for me. The message, quiet in my brain, not something that I really understood at that point, was that friends go away. Be careful.
I really understand why you are drawing inward, tightening that circle.
Gotta agree - it's all about quality. I grew up in a small town, and there just weren't that many good people to choose from, let alone find.
Now I've got the entire internet to look in, and I'm finding a lot more quality folk than I ever even imagine existed :-)
Posted by: Harvey at June 5, 2005 12:57 PMI think we really are twins (only you're much cuter and sassier). I'm the same way. I always say, once you're in my book you stuck with me.
Believe it or not I don't make true friends easily. I have many people I know, but it takes a while, and something special, to get into my inner circle.
But I try, I make a very strong effort to keep in touch with all of them. It's hard - right now is a prime example. So busy, so torn, but I still do it. I call one person every night. I have to. I can't lose them. They are all so precious.
But I'm also seeing the loss of my closest friend. I can see us drifting apart - and one person cannot save the relationship. It takes two. It's sad - and I haven't given up yet. Especially after reading what you and T1G wrote. It's worth fighting for.
Posted by: Tammi at June 6, 2005 08:51 PM