Letters from NYC

Time does not bring relief

Time does not bring relief; you have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss [them] in the weeping of the rain;
I want [them] at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide!

There are a hundred places where I fear
To go, -- so with [their] memory they brim!
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell [their] foot or shone [their] face
I say, "There is no memory of [them] here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering [them]!
- Edna St. Vincent Millay, Sonnets II


Sorry Mike, but that's the way I've felt these last 2 days.

I think it started with the fire alarm going off when I was shopping in Macy's Friday afternoon. The training you gave me during your firefighter years came in very handy. I remember all the arm pinches it took for you to train me to always check where the exits were.

I had noticed that they had done many changes since I was last in the mall a year ago. Unbelievably I heard your voice in my head as I entered and wondered if the emergency exits had been changed. I immediately approached one of the security managers (who happened to be near the entrance) and asked that very question. To my surprise, yes some of them had been changed. Forty minutes later, almost done with my shopping, the fire alarm went off.

I instinctlvely knew to head for the exit as others just stood around wondering what to do. As the the loudspeaker crackled to life, the all too familiar announcement that they were investigating made it's way to my skeptical brain. Again the thoughts of 9/11 came back. It was the same announcement they had made that was repeated over and over that morning.

That message was one that you taught me to ignore time and again. You always believed that in high rise buildings it's always best to evacuate at the first sound of the alarm rather than to wait for the investigation to be done and then the decision to be made to evacuate. Precious minutes were lost on 9/11 because they didn't follow your thinking.

As I reached the street and walked clear of the mall as you trained me to do time and again, I thought to myself how I no longer ask why. Why you had to go into the building. I've accepted the fact that you knew that Larry and others were trouble and you had to help.

I still remember our next to last phone conversation. You had called to make sure I was safe and were so relieved when I answered the phone. I wanted to beg and plead with you then to get out of the building, but I knew what your answer would be. I knew that while Larry, Lisa and the others were in that building you'd try to get them out or die trying.

Last night's dream of you was no different. I dreamt that you had reached Larry just after he had lost conciousness while he and I were on the phone. I listened quietly as your muffled voice trying to revive him as the creaks and groans of the building started to become louder in the background.

I remember wanting to shut my eyes tightly against the reality of what that recognizable sound was. Instead, I heard the first few seconds of the building collapsing through the phone and then silence. That deafingin silence has weaved itself in and out of my life since that day. My thoughts and these letters to you are all that now remain of us.

Please understand, I am grateful for the wonderful memories and smiles they evoke. I've just come to realize that the void you left in my heart is one that is too great and will probably never be filled. As my son says: You were my bestest friend. God bless you Mikey!

Posted by Michele at January 28, 2005 10:07 AM