Letters from NYC

Dearest Mike, Jack, Tony, Larry, Amy, Rick & Nancy

Today, the day after Labor Day, is and forever will be my official day of remembrance for all of you. Just as I did these last two years, I took the day off today and picked up different bouquets with all your favorite flowers and headed downtown.

I first stopped by the Firehouse to drop off some flowers for Mike's friends, knowing they would be in a somber mood too. I arrived to find their gates closed and discovered they had set up a makeshift memorial on a small table just outside their door. John, having seen me rearranging the items on the table to make room for my offering, came outside to give me a big hug and say hello.

Afterwards, I crossed the street and left flowers in front of the buildings where each of you died. On each bouquet I stapled your birthday cards, out of a wish to let you know you are remembered, loved and remain alive in my heart.

I tried really hard not to think about the last seconds of some of your calls that morning, but it was useless. It’s hard sometimes not to think back. I think back with every birthday and every holiday. Today was no exception.

I think back to 3 years ago tonight, and remember how quiet things were that evening: no phones ringing, no traffic, no stereos or tv’s blaring, and most unusual of all, practically all the stores and restaurants were closed.

Those who made it home looking like specters were embraced and held onto tightly by their loved ones, who feared letting go lest their loved ones disappear. All the while they exhaled faintly and murmured thanks to their respective Gods that their loved ones had gotten home safe.

I didn’t have to listen in on my neighborsconversations to know this. That is exactly what I did when my sole surviving friend showed up at my doorstep completely covered in white ash, with slivers of glass still clinging to her hair. I hugged her so tightly, for what seemed forever, without saying a word. Still too numb to cry, I remember letting go just long enough to ask her a few brief questions in terms of her immediate needs. As I helped her wash up so I could administer first aid I remember knowing how none of our lives would ever be the same. We would never again dance through life without care.

That first evening felt like a year had gone bye. Today felt like it was all a lifetime ago. And yet, what we did on the 10th and what happened on the 11th three years ago is still fresh in my mind as if it was just yesterday.

In retrospect, I am grateful for many things this year. I am grateful for those who serve to protect and defend our country in your memory. I’m very grateful that I have found my way through grief and have started on my road back to life, through writing to these amazing men and women that protect our freedom and provide for our security. They have given me as much support as I have given them. In truth, my strength this past year came directly from them; from their dedication, perseverance and their sheer determination to see things through in spite of their challenges. How could I remain in deep grief in the face of so much courage? How could I sit idly by knowing how much they sacrifice on my behalf?

What's more uncanny is that each soldier I correspond with has the personality traits of one of you. So at times, it's as if I'm writing to an old dear friend, so I'm blessed with being able to connect with incredible people who have completely restored my faith in life.

I’m also grateful to be writing again, even with a stilted and hoarse voice, but I’m writing. I’ve even managed to compose 2 poems. One called “In Memoriam” and the other is “In Gratitude” dedicated to our Armed Forces.

Yes…yes…I know Mike, I hear you! You still think I should be doing more and be further along. You want me to venture from the safe realm of the digital to the world of the tactile and real. Well, you always had an amazing ability to push me along whenever you felt I was dragging my feet. But, considering how I lost all of you, so suddenly and all at once, I think it’s pretty remarkable that my soul and psyche have mended as well as they have. I have a ways to go, but for now I am grateful for what I have, and for the memories and lessons I accumulated while you were all with me.

I will always be grateful for those opportunities which turned into lessons and blessings for me, for those are the moments in which you continue to be alive in my heart. I promise to write soon, though you already know I think of you often.

Sending you big loving hugs and flying kisses that reach up to the heavens, to keep you until we meet again.

Michele

Posted by Michele at September 7, 2004 10:10 PM